Test Test Test

Thisbis a test to see if I can share youtube videos from Chris's old phone https://youtu.be/pCdk2GvHOps

New Life for Old Blog: Spiked Leather Tiaras

I started this blog back when GamerGate first started and I ended the blog several months later due to the bullying and abuse I received as a female supporter of GamerGate.

I've decided to dust off the blog now that I believe GamerGate is dead (we've made huge strides in making gaming websites disclose conflicts of interest and now the hashtag has devolved into fighting cliques, so, in my opinion, it's over)

I'm in a much better place than I was in August 2014. We are buying a new home in a different town (to get away from my stalker), I am learning Korean and as a result I've discovered Korean Dramas (KDrama) and KPop, and we're getting ready for a vacation.

So, I wanted to share new things.

This week I finally had a regret. I regret never having worn a spiked and studded leather Tiara like this when I was young and into Punk Rock.

I'm thinking of pulling out my old leather making

tools and making one for myself. 

Why I Seem to "Ignore" Some Issues

I am a somewhat private person, I do not mention or comment on several topics that affect me, and it's not that I am ignoring these topics and feel nothing, it's that I feel too much.

Chris and I are not childless by choice, our struggle to conceive and carry a baby to term is not one either of us talk about. Neither are our experiences with adoption agencies and foster care.

The abuse and type of abuse I suffered as a child is also something I do not discuss on the internet. It is deeply personal and had far reaching consequences, not just for me, but also for my brother and other members of our extended family. My family is broken because of my abuse.

When Chris was in the Army and in the field, a man broke into our apartment and raped me. This didn't just affect me, it affected my husband. The rapist didn't just violate me, he also violated our relationship, it changed how Chris and I saw ourselves and how we interacted with each other.

And finally, my stalker. I have no idea how to even start discussing my stalker. She became obsessed with me, she tracked me, she broke into my house several times, she called the police and said she hadn't seen me for days. The police broke into my house while I was sleeping and shook me awake. Think about that, I was alone in my house and woken up by a stranger for the second time in my life. It was terrifying. This happened in early 2014, and I'm still not quite over it.

That is why I don't give my opinion on these issues, to get the full picture of what happened I would have to include how each of these experiences changed, not just me, but the people who love and care for me, and how I interact with them (and honestly, we are still fighting a battle with my stalker, so that isn't over with yet.)

A 140 character tweet or even a 500 word blog post do not give me enough space to discuss my experiences and my feelings, let alone get into how each experience has changed my life.

It isn't that I don't have opinions on child abuse, rape, infertility, and SWATing, it's that my opinions and experiences on these subjects are so broad that I don't feel I can do them justice in a tweet or blog post.

And quite honestly, I struggle to not become bitter, I struggle to not become cynical, I struggle to not fall into the dark hole of depression (a struggle I sometimes lose), because of these topics.

I struggle to find happiness in spite of these experiences, because yes, sometimes happiness is difficult. Giving up is easy, getting up every morning and saying, "Today I will find happiness and goodness" even though everything is falling apart is difficult. But I do it. I have never chosen to do anything the easy way, and the fight for happiness has not changed this.

So, yes, I'm going to focus on the silly and mundane in my blog and in my tweets, because that is what keeps me sane. That is what keeps me smiling. And that is what makes me happy, which makes my life worth living.

 And since this post verged on the dark and depressing, here are a couple of pictures of Mia and Grixie to cheer everyone up. (and this is my normal disclaimer that Grixie is a Pixie Cat and not a Normal Sized Cat, no matter what the vet and Chris say. She is older than Mia, and Mia is a Princess, and everyone knows Princesses (and younger sisters) are petite):

Why I Turned Down a Chance to Speak at a College

I was asked to speak at a local college about being a woman in technology, and I turned it down. Part of it was they asked me at the last minute and I had prior plans (nothing that couldn't have been rescheduled), but the main reason why I turned it down is GamerGate.

I'm Pro-GamerGate and I didn't want to be made a larger target of harassment than I already am. Anti-GamerGate has harassed me on FaceBook, they've harassed me on Twitter and they've attempted to harass me at work, but ended up annoying me instead of scaring me. No place is safe anymore. So, I did not want to go speak at a college where there are certain to be Anti-GamerGate people in the audience who may decide to harass me because I want ethical journalism.

Also, I've been trying to lay low since AGG started visiting my job and I just didn't feel like pining a target on myself the day before my vacation. And I do believe that speaking about being a woman in technology and not toeing the Third Wave Feminist line at a college would be pinning a target on myself in the current cultural climate.

This month is special to me, this weekend my husband and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary and I'm feeling nostalgic and loving and happy. And quite honestly, I don't want to argue or fight with anyone right now. I don't want to worry about offending or angering anyone with my cultural and political views. I want to float through the month spending time with the man I fell in love with when I was 19, remembering all the silly things we've done with our life and planning new adventures for the future.

My husband and our life together is what is important to me. More important than GamerGate, more important than speaking for women in technology, more important than worrying about being harassed.

Being nostalgic and loving and happy for my husband is what I will remember at the end of my life. And that's the way it should be.

Christmas Through The Years:

Our First Christmas Together 1984

Our Tenth Christmas Together 1994

Our 20th Christmas Together 2004

A Selfie My Husband Took of Us in April 2014
(We haven't taken our Christmas Picture yet)

Days of Thankfulness Week One

Every November I participate in the Days of Thankfulness on FaceBook and Twitter. Here are my Days of Thankfulness for the first week of November:






Month of Thankfulness Day 1 I'm thankful for family

Month of Thankfulness Day 2 I'm thankful for no snow.







Month of Thankfulness Day 3 I'm thankful for modern transportation.

Month of Thankfulness Day 4: I'm glad I'm home.





Month of Thankfulness Day 5:
I am thankful for all the fun and kind people I've met through #GamerGate and the GamerGate Kitteh Patrol. (When people are fighting we swamp them with cute kitten pictures)

We are fighting against journalistic corruption and journalistic bullying. Is it surprising the pro-corruption journalist and pro-bullying bloggers have painted us as a hate
movement?

Month of Thankfulness Day 6: I am Thankful for co-workers who bring me soup. (Thanks Phil! I appreciate it)


Month of Thankfulness Day 7: I am Thankful for Virtual BlizzCon Tickets.  

Why I Believe I Do NOT Have Internalized Misogyny

This is my longest video to date about some feminist struggles I've had in my life and how I've dealt with them.

 

Why I Call Myself A Thorn (Semi-Transcript from VLOG)

Here are the notes I used for my video titled "What Does Internalized Misogony Mean"

I'm going to step on my soap box for a moment. Many of you have visited my Twitter profile and commented on my pinned tweet. For those of you who haven't it is my opinion on David Auerbach's slate article titled "Letter to a young Male Gamer", and Mr. Auerbach asks us to stop puplicaly critizing female game devs. To go after the men, but give the women a free pass, even if you think they merit criticism, because women in gaming have it way rougher than men do.  

My reply was that I have been fighting all my life to be taken seriously and I resented being told I'm too fragile for criticism.

Stepping on my soapbox: I have been told many times that I have "Internalized Misogyny" and I don't think the people understand what Internalized Misogyny really means. To illustrate Let me tell you some stories from my past:

StarWars

I love Star Wars. The movie changed my life and introduced me to Science Fiction. I asked for StarWars merchandise for my 13th birthday. I got a doll, because Star Wars was for boys. I started cleaning neighbors houses on weekends and bought my own StarWars Merchandise

Computers

Computers really interested me, I wanted to major in computer science. I was told that was for boys and I kind of caved here because I have an accounting degree. (which was in itself controversial because according to my family the only 3 jobs suitable for women are: Mother, Waitress and Teacher)

Cultural Influences

When my much younger cousin asked me what it was like to be a lesbian, I laughed and said, "Honey, I'm married, I'm not a lesbian" and he replied, "but you do boy things like play video games, and read science fiction, and watch Xena." I said, "That just means I like video games, science fiction and Xena. It doesn't mean I'm gay." And I kept enjoying all my hobbies.

Health

I have serious health issues. Almost 20 years ago, when he was leaving the military, a 1st sgt told my husband that he wouldn't be able to get a job with health benefits and to think about me, his wife, who wasn't able to take care of herself, so he should reenlist. Within a month I had my own damn job with a large tech corporation and had my own health benefits, and my husband had the freedom to 0 make the decision to leave the military on his terms without worrying about me.

Now, if I had Internalized Misogyny I would have pushed all thoughts of doing anything that wasn't feminine deep down so that I would conform to the society around me. I would have accepted the doll, I would have become a teacher, I would have left my hobbies, I would have let a man (my husband) be the person who was responsible for my health. And I would have hated myself for conforming.

But, I didn't. I went ahead and did what I thought was best for me, I bought my own merchandise, I studied something that interested me, I stopped going to Christmas dinners, I got a better job.

I, personally see the women and men telling me I've internalized my misogyny, The Fragile Flower Feminists, as the real misogynists. They are telling me that to be a "real" and "correct" woman that I have to think like they do and condemn my hobby.

I'm not going to.

I'm going to keep doing what I've done my entire life, I'm going to turn my back on their opinions, and then go do what I originally set out to do, which is be a voice for #GamerGate and #NotYourShield.

And, as my husband likes to say, This is why I am a Thorn and not a Flower. You sit on a flower it is crushed and destroyed. You sit on a Thorn and you jump up and say, "Holy Hell, that hurt." I'm still proud to be a Thorn.

 Stepping off my soap box now. 

 And I think everyone who has made it this far deserves a reward!