Why I Believe I Do NOT Have Internalized Misogyny

This is my longest video to date about some feminist struggles I've had in my life and how I've dealt with them.

 

Why I Call Myself A Thorn (Semi-Transcript from VLOG)

Here are the notes I used for my video titled "What Does Internalized Misogony Mean"

I'm going to step on my soap box for a moment. Many of you have visited my Twitter profile and commented on my pinned tweet. For those of you who haven't it is my opinion on David Auerbach's slate article titled "Letter to a young Male Gamer", and Mr. Auerbach asks us to stop puplicaly critizing female game devs. To go after the men, but give the women a free pass, even if you think they merit criticism, because women in gaming have it way rougher than men do.  

My reply was that I have been fighting all my life to be taken seriously and I resented being told I'm too fragile for criticism.

Stepping on my soapbox: I have been told many times that I have "Internalized Misogyny" and I don't think the people understand what Internalized Misogyny really means. To illustrate Let me tell you some stories from my past:

StarWars

I love Star Wars. The movie changed my life and introduced me to Science Fiction. I asked for StarWars merchandise for my 13th birthday. I got a doll, because Star Wars was for boys. I started cleaning neighbors houses on weekends and bought my own StarWars Merchandise

Computers

Computers really interested me, I wanted to major in computer science. I was told that was for boys and I kind of caved here because I have an accounting degree. (which was in itself controversial because according to my family the only 3 jobs suitable for women are: Mother, Waitress and Teacher)

Cultural Influences

When my much younger cousin asked me what it was like to be a lesbian, I laughed and said, "Honey, I'm married, I'm not a lesbian" and he replied, "but you do boy things like play video games, and read science fiction, and watch Xena." I said, "That just means I like video games, science fiction and Xena. It doesn't mean I'm gay." And I kept enjoying all my hobbies.

Health

I have serious health issues. Almost 20 years ago, when he was leaving the military, a 1st sgt told my husband that he wouldn't be able to get a job with health benefits and to think about me, his wife, who wasn't able to take care of herself, so he should reenlist. Within a month I had my own damn job with a large tech corporation and had my own health benefits, and my husband had the freedom to 0 make the decision to leave the military on his terms without worrying about me.

Now, if I had Internalized Misogyny I would have pushed all thoughts of doing anything that wasn't feminine deep down so that I would conform to the society around me. I would have accepted the doll, I would have become a teacher, I would have left my hobbies, I would have let a man (my husband) be the person who was responsible for my health. And I would have hated myself for conforming.

But, I didn't. I went ahead and did what I thought was best for me, I bought my own merchandise, I studied something that interested me, I stopped going to Christmas dinners, I got a better job.

I, personally see the women and men telling me I've internalized my misogyny, The Fragile Flower Feminists, as the real misogynists. They are telling me that to be a "real" and "correct" woman that I have to think like they do and condemn my hobby.

I'm not going to.

I'm going to keep doing what I've done my entire life, I'm going to turn my back on their opinions, and then go do what I originally set out to do, which is be a voice for #GamerGate and #NotYourShield.

And, as my husband likes to say, This is why I am a Thorn and not a Flower. You sit on a flower it is crushed and destroyed. You sit on a Thorn and you jump up and say, "Holy Hell, that hurt." I'm still proud to be a Thorn.

 Stepping off my soap box now. 

 And I think everyone who has made it this far deserves a reward!

The GamerGate I'm Fighting For

I'm wondering what is happening with journalists. When Breitbart of all sites, BREITBART, is the only news site giving voice to a movement made up of young liberal (left leaning) people, sex positive feminists, and Libertarians.

Everyday I feel more and more like I've fallen through the rabbit hole.

@LetsSailHatan was harassed off Twitter for setting up ‪#‎GamerGate‬ Harassment Patrol (Update: Oct. 29  She's back!)

@_icze4r (Margaret) gets death threats and rape threats daily. Her address was also posted.

@KingofPol was sent a knife in the mail with a note attached to it that told him to kill himself. A False Suicide Report was also called in on him and the Fire Department showed up at his house.

@Nero (Milo) was sent a syringe full of something through the mail.

Seth Rogan posts penis photos on Twitter. (This really upset me)

And no one in the news reports it.

Anyway, here's a Breitbart article about Margaret. Read it if you want to see the #GamerGate I'm fighting for.

On Sock Puppets, WoW, and Sam Biddle's Ass

My latest video, which has a very fierce picture! 

Sam Biddle's Ass (Semi Transcript)

Here are the notes I used for my Video titled "On Sock Puppets, WoW and Sam Biddle's Ass"

Hello and welcome to the sock puppet edition of This Garden of Thorns.

So, this week I had all my comments in articles on The Guardian.co.uk removed and was banned from a forum because I am a sock puppet and they can prove it. If you are unsure what a "sock puppet" is, it means I created a whole new online identity, just to further my online activism.

Nevermind that I've been using the same twitter account since April 2007. Never mind that I have used the same handle on Steam since 2010. Nevermind that I have been active on the Blizzard Websites with the same handle since 2006.

No. Because I chose to start a new blog and youtube account instead of attaching to my old cooking blog, I'm fake.

And there was other stuff, but the abuse from the people on the forums after I was kicked off was the worst.

But some good stuff also happened this weekend. I listened to a very imformative and fun stream on Friday hosted by Oliver Campbell and if you ever have 4 and a half hours to kill please give Threedog's #Gamergate News Radio Ep 4. a listen.

While I was listening to the stream I was able to get my Rogue in WoW up to Level 86, which may not seem like a big deal (I do have a couple of 90s), but it is a HUGE deal. 

My Rogue, Shadow was the first toon I ever created on my own account back in Vanilla WoW and I've had her since 2005 and only now have I got her to L86. So I'm averaging a little over 9 levels a year on her. Because I hate playing her. I said I wanted to do lots of damage and my friends convinced me to make a Night Elf Rogue, and I hated it. I hated all the sneaking around. So I made a Warrior, spec'd Fury and never looked back. (and speccing fury in Vanilla made me VERY unpopular) And seriously, if I can survive refusing to spec prot in Vanilla and BC, then I can survive anything the Anti-GamerGates want to throw at me. Raiders can be viscious about specs.

Also on the negative side this week Valley Wag editor Sam Biddle became twitter famous for tweets that seemed to advocate bullying during National Bullying Prevention Month: Such as "Ultimately GamerGate is reaffirming what we've known to be true for decades: nerds should be constantly shamed and degraded into submission.

He did apologize.

And then Deadspin editor Tommy Craggs replied to a memo from Jim Romenesko with this gem: But the memo and the apology - over what amounted to a few half assed jokes of the kind my site specializes in - seemed to cross some sort of editorial Rubicon. I don't think you believed a word of what you wrote, and I'm certain that Biddle didn't believe a word of his apology. And those tweets (meaning Biddle's tweets)DID get at the truth of what we've been trying to say about Gamergate: that it's an unserious and contemptible movement that deserves nothing more than half of Sam Biddle's ass. 

Which is how we all ended up talking about Sam Biddle's ass this weekend.

This weekend also brought us "Tweet Like Not Your Shield" and wow. I've never seen such a collection of racist hate speech in my life. I can't even begin to explain how much some of the tweets upset me. I've talked before about how I feel about people who try to silence me and remove my relevancy. These forces were out in streangth this weekend.

But GamerGate and NYS did have a champion in Liz who participated in a Pro vs Anti interview and showed herself to be an articulate, gracious, member of GamerGate. Her interview was very inspiring and postive and the oppositions interview was everything but. 

So, when one of the Literally Whos came out and said that all the women in Not Your Shield were afraid of the GamerGate men I had to step in and bring some love.

So, Gamergate and NotYourShield, I would like to end this week of bullying and hate speech with a message of love and support.

Please remember that we all deserve to live in a world where we aren't belittled by people for our choices of hobbies. We all deserve to live in a world where we are treated with dignity, even by those who disagree with us. We all deserve to have a gaming press, gaming bloggers, and gaming journalists who are ethical and treat us, their readers, their customers with respect.

And please remember that I love you, and together we can win this, not with hate, but with our love for our hobby and our friends.

 Stay on message and be kind.

And This Is Why I Love Him

I was really upset about being called a Sock Puppet yesterday.


Never mind that I've been using the Thornblossom Twitter account since April 2007.
Never mind that I have used the Thornblossom handle on Steam since 2010.
Never mind that I have been active on the Blizzard Websites with the Thornblossom  handle since 2006.

Never mind that the Companions of Xarth (whose banner I use for my YouTube picture) have been around since 2007 as a World of Warcraft Guild and 19-fucking-79 as a a D&D Group. (It's my husband's group. They decided to try playing WoW so made the guild, but they all preferred tabletop RPG and left. So I took the guild over and it's been active ever since. The D&D Group is also still active today.)


Anyway, I was upset.

And then my husband posted this:

And this is why I love him. 

Apparently I Am A Sock Puppet

The Guardian removed one of my comments because apparently I am a sock puppet and they can prove it.

I didn't start this blog or my youtube site until after I joined #NotYourShield, so of course I'm not real.

Doesn't matter that I have over 7 years of my twitter identity. Doesn't matter that I post actual videos of myself. Doesn't matter that I have steam account under this handle.

No, just because I decided to start a new blog for my Gamer Activism, I am a sock puppet.  Maybe I should have turned my Cats, Crochet, and Cooking blog into my Gaming Activist blog. I've had it since 2006. Would that give me enough relevancy?


Anyway, here's the comment they deleted:

An Answer to The Guardian's "Lazy Coverage" article

---

Sometimes I feel like I am a lone voice yelling out in the wilderness. I began using the #NotYourShield hashtag after August 28th when my Facebook Account was filled with hateful articles from the Games Journalism Sites I followed. I disagreed with some of them and wrote my thoughts, using my "Real Name" and my "Real Facebook" account and I started getting hate mail and messages.

The next day an article was posted (again on Facebook) about how Anti-GamerGate supporters were being harassed. I shared my story and was abused by Anti-GamerGaters to the point where I had to lock down my FaceBook profile to stop the stream of harassment.

I didn't know who Zoe Quinn was. I hadn't watched one Anita Sarkeesian video. At this point all I knew was that the magazines that were supposed to be writing about my hobby were attacking me. And a subset of their readers were encouraging people to harass me.

And, continuing with this article, the harassment and attacks of gamers has continued (comparing me to the Teaparty and Climate change deniers is new though, kudos on that.)

I am a Liberal Democrat who lives in Texas, I've had lots of practice being marginalized by the media. I am stubborn and I will not shut up.

So, I will stand here and yell "#GamerGate is and has always been about Journalistic Transparency and Integrity." even though my voice may be ignored, I will still keep yelling.

Stop GamerGate Hashtag

My latest video, which for some reason doesn't have a preview picture. I'm there, honestly, I am.:

Notes on Stop GamerGate Hashtag (Semi-Transcripts)

Here are the notes I used for my "Stop GamerGate" video:

Hello again GamerGate and NotYourShield and a special shout out to our friends in #StopGamerGate!

 I had a wonderful night. Husband took me out to dinner, played some WoW (Got the Iron Horde Achievement!), cuddled some cats, read some twitt...oh. About that.

StopGamerGate. Hm. StopGamerGate. I'm wondering Just what do the people in Stop Gamer Gate want? To stop the hash tag? OK. It's stopped. What have you accomplished? Is everyone happy now? Are all the journalists on all the game sites ethical now? Or better yet, to use the example of what I'm reading you want - Has all the harassment of all the women and minorities stopped now? Yeah... About that.

As a woman and a minority I really object to your trying to stop my voice. Silence me. Remove my relevancy. You know, harass me.

I promise this next part does have something to do with GamerGate. Did you know that there are Blood quantum laws in the US in regards to the American Indians? What that means is that you have a certain "percentage" of indian blood. And this is a little strange for me because I am allowed to call myself a Shoshone, but I'm not allowed to call myself a Cree. (My paternal Grandmother was Shoshone, My maternal Great Grandmother was a Cree). And I have light skin, so when I was little everyone just called me "That White Girl" 

So. I have had to fight almost all my life to be recognized as an Indian because I can "pass" as white. Would it have been easier for me to just step back and say, I'm white. Sure, but that would have meant not respecting my grandmothers whom I loved.

And this is the background I'm bringing with me to GamerGate and NotYourShield. This is why it matters to me when gamers are called White and told we are dead. These are the same issues I faced as a child. I was called white as an insult, gamers are called white as an insult. 

Indians have been told their culture is dead over and over.

Gamers are being told that our culture is over.

Journalists demonized the Indians, just as the gamers have been demonized.

This is what I'm fighting against. This is my background. This is why I am part of Not Your Shield.

So, you get rid of the hash tag. It's gone. The resentment that your harrassment campaign against gamers had engendered is still going to be here. We are still going to be insulted and angry at your belittling our culture. And we will find more and more ways to fight against.

 GamerGate is dead. Long live the gamers. 

An Open Ended "I Love You!"

My latest video:

Trying To Vlog

And I am typing this post with one hand, the other is holding Pippin in my lap so he doesn't roll off. (he is sleeping).

Starting my Vlog (Someday)

I was going to start my Vlog today, but heath issues popped up and I wasn't able to.


My subject was going to be my background in fighting to be taken seriously in my life. I was a girl, growing up on a reservation who wanted to be Han Solo. I read Science Fiction, I read Comics, I played Video Games whenever the opportunity presented itself, and later, after I grew up, I became a Computer Technician. I've been fighting to be taken seriously in my life, and not treated like a token or a special snowflake or a fragile flower, for a long, long time. And, for the record, I started dating my husband when I was 18 (he was 19), so I wasn't faking interest "to meet the boyz".


Here is what I posted on Facebook and sent a screen shot to Twitter. It was going to be the base of my Vlog:


I am so outraged right now that I can't speak, and I know I'm a month late on this, but it was just brought to my attention. Here are quotes from David Auerbach's Slate article titled "Letter To A Young Male Gamer". (I had to read the article twice to see if it was sarcasm, and it doesn't appear to be) :


"But I do have a request for you: Stop publicly criticizing LW. Go after the men. Criticize the games themselves. But leave the women alone, even if you think they merit criticism."


"Women in gaming have it way rougher than men, and to be blunt, it is simply not the end of the world if LW gets a free pass for whatever sins she may have committed"


What. The. Hell. David Auerbach.


I have been fighting all my life to be taken seriously. Now you are telling me I'm too fragile for criticism.


Chris told me this is why I am a Thorn and not a Flower. You sit on a flower and it is crushed, destroyed. You sit on a Thorn and jump up and say, "Holy Hell, That hurt."


I'm proud to be a Thorn today.

Why I Support Intel's Decision To Pull Their Ads

We own one i7, two i5, one i3, a Celeron, two Atom, and a Q6600.

My love affair with Intel began with the Q6600. It was (and is) the brains of The Most Beautiful Computer In The Whole Of The Known Universe.  My current computer is an i7-3770 and I'm planning on upgrading to the new x99 chipset with a 6-core i7 and DDR4 in the near future.

I got the Q6600 computer in 2007 and I'm still using it today. It's my back up computer and is also my Netflix computer. I support Intel because it makes a rock solid product and I appreciate the way they are going forward in processor design.

I also support #GamerGate and here are my reasons:

1. I believe, and have believed for years, that Gaming Journalists are corrupt (For example see coverage of  Dragon Age 2).
2. I believe that questioning Gaming Journalists and their integrity does not make me "Anti-Feminist". 
3. I do not believe all gamers are hateful.
4. I do not believe all gamers are potential rapists
5. I do not believe that telling young women that a whole sub-culture hates them is the way to fix anything.

Some background: I was aware of the controversy surrounding a certain game designer and her ex, but I ignored it because, well, break up drama. I wasn't surprised by the claims of Journalistic Misfeasance (the performance of a lawful action in an improper manner). Anyone who was around during the Dragon Age 2 Debacle is aware that the Gaming Press is in bed with Game Publishers. What did surprise me this time was how the Gaming Press reacted to claims that they weren't Impartial Ponies, suddenly all gamers were misogynists and rapists. I read article after article attacking my hobby. 

I followed all the big names gaming sites on Facebook. When I used Facebook to reply to an anti-gamer article I received hateful messages in my Facebook Inbox, I was called misogynistic, was told I supported rapists, was told I wasn't really a gamer, was called a neckbeard. (I had no idea what a neckbeard was, I had to ask my nephew).

When the site wrote another piece on how #GamerGate supporters were harrassing people I once again used Facebook to tell the story of the attack on me. Once again I received hateful messages. I had to lock down my FaceBook and make everything Private so that the stream of hate would stop. This is when I decided to join #GamerGate.

 

When #GamerGate suggested a polite letter writing campaign to the advertisers on the websites that were attacking my hobby I happily joined in.

 

And it's working.

And the Anti-GamerGate hate volcanoe just keeps getting bigger. Intel is listening to it's customers, which is a good thing. It does not make the company Anti-Feminist, Misogynistic, or part of the rape culture.

 

In closing, just for the record: I am a Liberal. I am a Woman. I am an American Indian. I am a Computer Technician. I am a Wife. I am a Gamer. I am NOT a Sock Puppet. I am NOT a Shill. I am NOT a Misogynist. I am NOT Sadly Misinformed.